the Hope of Survivors

How Do I Stop This?

1. Read through this site and maybe some of the books and other web sites that have been recommended and decide that what is happening to you is WRONG and it’s NOT your fault. Please note that while you are not responsible for the abuse perpetrated upon you, you are responsible and accountable for your own wilful, sinful actions during this time. Please read an excerpt from the AACC Christian Counselling Code of Ethics.

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”—1 John 1:9

2. Get away—ALONE—for a few hours or days to think things through. (Do NOT do this if you are suicidal!) Go somewhere you can’t be reached by the perpetrator, but give your husband (or someone close to you) the phone number where you can be reached in case of emergencies. Pray for God’s wisdom and help. Usually this will help you clear your mind so you can rationalize better and see the situation for what it truly is—ABUSE—not “love.”

3. Decide how to end it and DO it. DON’T meet in person alone!! Write a note or take a friend with you. If you meet privately, you will only give him the opportunity to manipulate you and the situation again. He has already played on your emotions enough to get you to this point. Don’t allow him to continue.

4. Tell your husband, significant other or someone. (See “How do I tell my husband?”)

5. Understand that you cannot be “friends” with your perpetrator after you have been abused. You must sever all ties. He was never truly your “friend” in the first place or he would never have done this to you.

6. Get professional counselling from a therapist of the same sex (male for male, female for female).

 If the Minister Tempts—

 7. Don’t try to fool yourself into thinking you can still go to church there. You will have various issues to deal with if you try to stay there—boundary issues, worship issues, faith issues, not to mention the fellow church members who may not be informed of the situation or understand the true nature of it and may blame you for the pastor’s downfall. Find a new church, maybe even a new community, city or state.

8. Don’t feel like this is the end of the world. It’s not. It’s a new beginning for you, a healing journey. God will see you through every step of the way. He will also provide new friends, new support, healing in all areas of your life, etc.

“Create in me a pure heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me.”—Psalm 51:10

9. Attend one of our conferences (check the calendar for a conference in your area) or just chat with others who have survived this horrendous ordeal already. It helps to talk things through with someone else who has been through what you are going through now.


  “The slightest insinuations, from whatever source they may come, inviting you to indulge in sin or to allow the least unwarrantable liberty with your persons should be resented as the worst of insults to your dignified womanhood. The kiss upon your cheek, at an improper time and place, should lead you to repel the emissary of Satan with disgust. If it is from one in high places, who is dealing in sacred things, the sin is of tenfold greater magnitude and should lead a God-fearing woman or youth to recoil with horror, not only from the sin he would have you commit, but from the hypocrisy and villainy of one whom the people respect and honor as God’s servant.”

—The Adventist Home, page 335-336 (Ellen G. White)
The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart...Psalms 34:18